I'm still here

I’m still Here

Tick…Tick…Tick…

Is what I hear as the

Drip...Drip…Drip…

Comes reigning down through my veins

I can feel it suddenly....

As I begin to breathe and wait…

Tick…Tick…Tick…

Watching the clock as the hand begins to reach the ten

I wait and I feel and I breathe

Drip… Drip…Drip…

It’s nothing but a fantasy

Lost dreams replaced by this insuperable thing

I used to be a Juilliard singer…

No more… no more… replaced

Left in this lonely place

Of Solitude...

Tick…Tick…Tick…

Drip… Drip… Drip…

I still have my hair

It hasn’t gone anywhere…

My bones feel brittle…

My eyes are weak…

As the chemo runs through my body

And evokes and kills the demons inside me

I wait…

Hours later I am chemo brained…

Laughing….Chattered…Smiling…but it’s all fake

I wait… Tick…Tick…Tick…

Drip…Drip…Drip…

I’m still here…

Death

Death is like the ocean
It flows endlessly
Leaving us completely unsure as to where it ends

Death is guaranteed, but death is nothing like heaven.
You and I have a place where we are going to meet.
A place where the clouds are gold, and the skies pristine, and a place where that smile plastered on your face will move.

You will laugh again.

This place is real and you see it every day.
It is the me to the you without the vicarious lives you choose to smile and support and ignite with your flames of encouragement and your utterances and care.

You will live again.

You will enter the skies as an angel from heaven meets you and says come with me,
Great things await you. But first you need to stay here. You need to stay here because you need to learn to love again.

You will love again.

Life is death and love. There waits your loved one for you. You two have a journey ahead of you.
Life is not chiseled into stone with guidelines of the white picket fence, american dream, college graduate guidelines.

Life is learning to laugh, to live, and to love. It is more than your lost dreams or the dreams of those you so seemingly choose to vicariously lead.

Hurry up
She's waiting for you. Your hand in hers, and hers in yours.

Freddy and the Universe

Freddy and the Universe

Two Peanuts walk into a bar, what happens?

One’s assaulted (a salted)

Laughter…

That was Freddy’s favorite thing.

Freddy was the first boy to welcome me in our counseling group.

He was an 8-year old boy diagnosed with lymphoblastic leukemia.

I met Freddy when I was 17 years old…

I had never seen anyone smile as much as he did.

Freddy wanted to be a pilot and fly space ships.

Freddy had this idea that he could shrink his aircraft and invade people’s bodies and kill their cancers.

That was Freddy.

Ya see everyone thinks that cancer patients are the saddest things, but they are some of the most alive people you will probably ever meet. Freddy was not like the other kids. He wasn’t that special individual that you’d know for a certain amount of time and then forget about.

He was someone you’d remember forever. No matter how far in your mind you’d try to place him. He was that little place in your heart that would kick in an extra beat anytime you were sad or upset.

It’d be an even harder kick if you tried to stray away from your dreams.

Freddy knew my dream.

He knew I had always wanted to be an opera singer and Freddy helped me audition for Juilliard.

I wanted to sing to dark wooden arcs that appeared as a sky.

And Freddy pushed me towards that dream.

He’d sit with me and he’d listen to me sing over and over.

It didn’t matter how flat or sharp I was, Freddy always said I’d knock ‘em dead.

Freddy died before I could tell him I was accepted.  At this point I was so far gone I declined my acceptance.

And fell into this deep whole.  A hole so deep, not even Freddy’s spaceship could reach me.

Losing Freddy didn’t feel like losing a relative. I didn’t have the chance to grow up with him or see the kind of person he’d become…

Freddy didn’t die a painless death. I was not there to wish him goodbye or to hold his hand the way he’d hold mine.

He was only 8 years old and he could seriously light up the world if it had gone dark. He always had a smile, and when things didn’t go his way he’d pretend they did.

I ask myself why is it that we are given the choice to kill, to harm, to cause pain, even the choices to love, and be loved, but not always the choice to live no matter how hard we fight. I never understood life, but Freddy did. Freddy saw life as the universe, and he saw dying as him just traveling to another planet. And for Freddy… that was ok.

Stand Here With Me

Stand Here With Me

A Street is what you named me after.

Kimberly Place

A single city block right off the corner

Of Broadway.

There stands nothing but an empty lot

Over run by trash left behind.

You always told me not to worry

Not to worry about the tomorrows

For it would turn out ok.

You used to be so strong

So brave, and nothing ever limited you

Nothing ever ceased you from becoming the

Grand illusion you are now today.

But then that night happened and that night

Your most prized possession.

Taken by the Bright Lights of a Corrado

A drunk intoxicated man by the name of Jack Daniels

She was gone

So suddenly

Not a moment of pain she felt

As her body sprung free from the

Supposed invincible car that they so well

Seemingly sell on TVs’, and tell those come buy and come see

4 FOUR STAR CRASH RATING.

IT’S A TANK AND CAN PROTECT YOU FROM ANYTHING.

But No… Just another lie told by society so that

We continue to buy such trivial things!

Things that won’t ALWAYS PROTECT US FROM THE

REALITIES OF LIFE,

AND PEOPLE, PEOPLE BEING SO DANGEROUS, SO CARELESS

SO SELFISH, SO LOST, SO ABAY

PEOPLE LIKE… You

People like you who lose their way and

Forget about the rest of the world, and

Carry no wonder, or wisdom for those around, no care

No guarantee

But mother dearest look at me…

Look and see that I am still here, and I always will be.

I have not gone far,

Understand that I miss her too

I hear your fallen cries late at night and I wish

I could hold you

WIPE THOSE OVER RUN TEARS AWAY

TELL YOU IT WILL ALL BE OK

THAT THIS WORLD WITHOUT HER IS NOT THE END

A FUTURE EXISTS AND IT REMAINS

STAND HERE WITH ME

SEE THAT I AM a being still

BREATHING

LIVING

ABOUT TO GRADUATE THAT FOUR YEAR INSTITUTION

THAT SHE NEVER MADE IT THROUGH

Stand Here With Me

STAND HERE PROUD OF THE STRONG

COURAGOUS DAUGHTER YOU MADE AND

LOVE ME MOM

LOVE ME AND BE HERE

BE NOT THE EMPTY SHELL YOU’VE BEEN FOR THE PAST 11 YEARS

BE MY MOTHER

PICK OUT THAT WHITE DRESS WITH ME

COOK WITH ME

GROW WITH ME

BECOME A NEW WITH ME AND LETS FINALLY

DRY THOSE TEARS THAT HAVE KEPT YOU HIDDEN

LONELY

SAD

AND AFRAID OF THE TOMORROW THAT YOU ONCE TOLD ME NEVER TO FEAR….

Stand here with me

                                                                                    Just Stand….

                                                                                                            Here...

                                                                                                                        With….

                                                                                                                                    Me…

The C

There are a lot of accomplishments I have made in my life and battling cancer for the past six years sure as hell is one of them. I used to think that life was about check points. Meeting them and then going on to the next. Little did I know that there's obviously much more to life; like people. Not just your relationships, but the people you can find yourself standing next to on a train, your coworker that you barely talk to, or just another person in your psychology class of over 300. We are all here on this earth experiencing vast amounts of trials and tribulations. We are all being tested and in this world today we need to remember that we are all human; we all feel something. You can't be selfish and assume the worst of another. You can't pretend to be the hero, you just have to care. For someone more than yourself, because having cancer reminds you of all the people and their lives with whom you do actually speak to, you'll never get the chance to see them grow. You will miss out on saying excuse me to that cute boy in your class that you bump into. Don't wait to be diagnosed or have something go wrong to enjoy and really appreciate the wonderful virtues that you have today. Just be.

Anger

I used to be so angry when I'd think of him and the things he did and didn't do. I used to be so angry thinking about the feelings of abandonment and lies. I used to feel so angry about giving 90 and never even getting ten. It took me awhile to let go of it all, to realize that he would never regret and realize how good he had it. How perfect his life was and how happy he could have been. He never knew what it was to work hard for things or what it meant to put effort in to build. He would speak so much about self growth, but never had much to show for it, himself. He placed himself upon a pedalstewl to feel good about his short comings. If only he had dreams, and desires, instead of illusions and thoughts of play. I used to be so angry, when now all I feel for him is pity and hope that one day he will grow and become something more. It is easy to allow someone to consume all of your emotions, it is even easier to want someone to fill a void. It is the basis of every relationship to want acceptance and love. He never gave me that, and I forgot that I the holder of it all didn't need anyone to give me that, but myself. If there is any anger I feel now it is at myself for allowing a man to have such power over me. To all the fathers out there, be good to your daughters.

Great Day

Today was a wonderful day. I spent five hours in a vehicle driving. Then I drove to work and spent 8 hours there. Then my car was towed. I picked up my car and I drove home. In this entire day I did not get into an accident, have an aneurysm, hurt anyone, I was safe and sound. I did not lose anyone I love.  I was more than ok. My best friend send me this long quote by Bob Marley. In it he describes that as humans, we will never be perfect, but if theres someone out there that even has the ability to make you feel, then hold on to that person. Not just an infatuation, but someone who makes you care more than you normally would. My best friend does that for me. I love her so much. I love how she is always there. I can't imagine a life without her. It's funny because it's said somewhere that you always want a partner who is like your best friend, and I've found that unexpectedly. The way he teaches me about life and how to care for oneself sets my world. I love when we can create an adventure out of nothing, whether it's creating a frisbee golf course in his backyard or racing go-karts. I love how he understands me, in such a way that I never thought was possible. He gets me the same way my best friend does. I had a great day today, and I have a great life. Relationships are important and as Bob Marley said "love hard when there is love to be had."